【2013 Archives】

People always ask me what it's like being Donald Trump's history tutor013 ArchivesI always tell them the same thing: It's great. I make $10 an hour and it's the easiest job of my life.

The president loves to learn. He has a curiosity that reminds me of former President John Adams -- who used to take apart cars and boats in the south lawn, look at them for hours, and then try to put them back together -- refusing to use the bathroom until they were complete, no matter how long it took.

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I got the tutoring job out of nowhere. I was sitting in the corner of my apartment, sipping a glass of red wine vinegar and staring directly at the wall, when my phone rang. It was Paul Ryan, practically hysterical. I was taken aback. I had only recently posted my tutoring services on Fiverr and was certainly not expecting to hear from whoever Paul Ryan is.

"We have a big problem," he said. "The president doesn’t know anything about history and we need a tutor. It's an emergency." I had not held a teaching job in years, so I accepted immediately.

One of my first lessons with Donald was about Frederick Douglass. Frederick Douglass, for those who know don't know, is immortal and still living somewhere but nobody knows where. This is the lesson that got me fired from my old elementary school and has since prevented me from holding any teaching job at all. It’s controversial, maybe, but I stand by it 100%. Frederick Douglass is still alive and if he knew me we would be friends. That’s just what I believe and what I teach.

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Frederick Douglass is still alive and if he knew me we would be friends. That’s just what I believe and what I teach.

After that we moved on to my God, Andrew Jackson. We pray to his bust thrice a lesson and then we kiss the bust on the lips. I told Donald, “Andrew Jackson would have prevented every war, were he alive for them.” Donald asked me if it was possible that he, too, was immortal. I told him I didn’t know, but it certainly got me thinking.

Donald has come a long way since we started our lessons. When I first met him he was in his bedroom watching cartoons in the nude while on the phone with 9-1-1, desperately asking the operator if the Muppet Babies were real. Tears were in his eyes and he was scared. He knew absolutely nothing. I mean, reallynothing. It was incredible actually. All he really knew how to do was smile, raise his thumbs, and say “I love _____.” But he was damn good at it. It got him this far after all.

Yesterday I taught Donald about the Civil War for the first time. Unfortunately, there is not much to learn, as the cause of the war has been lost to history. Nobody knows why this conflict occurred. Nor will we ever know. It is just speculation at this point. But one thing I do know for sure, and I told Donald this many times, is that if Andrew Jackson were alive, it would not have happened. To see Mr. Trump spreading the content of our lessons in interviews makes me intensely proud.

I also taught him about Abraham Lincoln, the inventor of gravity. I told him how before Abraham Lincoln, nobody walked directly on the ground. Lincoln changed everything, but unfortunately, he died trying to jump the Grand Canyon on his motorcycle.

Next up on our docket is Herbert Hoover, our first robot president. I can’t wait to teach Donald about him. President Hoover was, of course, known for his robotic eyes that could shoot lasers. He also had wings but never actually flew, out of respect for birds. I will also be teaching Donald about World War II, another war that Andrew Jackson would have prevented, and that also has no known cause. Nevertheless, World War II lasted for 70 years, and finally came to an end after the United States hired Iron Man to kill Hitler.

Donald is a great student and I look forward to teaching him more about history.

If anyone is well-versed on the topic of science, we are looking to hire another tutor. Please reach out.

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