【Dear Utol (2025): Totoy Bayo Episode 38】

Sitting in a packed Tube carriage on Dear Utol (2025): Totoy Bayo Episode 38my way home from work, I swipe through my phone.

As I trawl through to find another track on Spotify, my eyes flit to the yellow Bumble icon. "Oh god," I say internally. I'd not opened the app in over a week. I'd ignored the notifications that flashed across my screen while I was at work, promising myself that I'd look at them later. But later never came, and my notifications fell by the wayside.

As I stared at my reflection in the window before me, an unwelcome thought arrived in my head.

"You're going to die alone and it's all your fault!"

It might sound like a ridiculous thing to think, but right there in that Tube carriage, I felt an unpleasant, anxious feeling that I wanted to shake off immediately.

As I emerged from the train station, I opened my phone and began swiping hurriedly to make up for lost time. I fired off messages to three guys there and then in an attempt to feel better about the situation. I carried on swiping as I walked home, telling myself to be indiscriminate so that I could maximise the number of matches.

I responded to messages that had been unread for weeks, apologising profusely and attempting, very belatedly, to resuscitate a doomed conversation.

But really I knew these feeble attempts weren't going to amount to much. It was just a quick fix for my swiping FOMO, the anxiety I feel when I'm not active enough on dating apps.

This FOMO is multifaceted. There's the fear that the neglected, unread messages are missed opportunities, potential boyfriends that I might have inadvertently dismissed. There's the fear that I'm the only one not capitalising on the wealth of potential matches because I'm too busy, too tired and, let's be honest, too lazy to put in more effort.

But, my swiping FOMO isn't always self-induced, either.

"Are you messaging anyone special?"

Whenever I catch up with my friends over dinner, they ask me the dreaded question "are you messaging anyone special?" My mind immediately begins to grapple for excuses: "work has taken over my life lately," or "I'm useless at striking up conversations".

Once the plates have been cleared and I'm on the journey home, I'd embark on a session of panicked swiping. And boy, did I swipe with abandon.

Of course, these FOMO-fuelled flurries of online dating activity haven't produced a single date.

The problem lies largely in the driving force behind it. These bursts are motivated by my need to ease the anxiety I feel about my lack of a date.

But, amidst the myriad pressures in my life, do I really need to mentally beat myself up over dating? It's something that's supposed to be fun, right?

Friends have told me to try harder; to be more inventive with my icebreakers; to go on more dates. All of these imperatives only add to my FOMO.

Jack Knowles, founder of dating app Temptr, said that a lot of online daters can be left feeling anxious if they forget to check their dating apps for long periods of time.

"There is nothing worse than that sinking feeling after forgetting to use your dating app, opening it up and seeing that your dream date messaged you weeks ago and you missed it," Knowles told Mashable. "Try not to let this freak you out, you can still message these potential dates, but just be honest! Say to them you’ve had a busy few days and didn’t have time to use the app. And apologise for keeping them waiting," Knowles continued.

Dating expert Sarah Ryan told Mashablethat the plethora of options presented by dating apps could be increasing our anxiety.

"Online dating has given us the world of singles at our fingertips but hasn't it increased our anxiety, our number of pen pals and our number of options?" asks Ryan.

"We get anxious about missing out on the messages because online dating gives us access and ability to say things and speak to people we would probably never normally chat to or even know we have crossed paths with," Ryan continued.

While messaging singles can make you feel in control of your love life, letting that aspect of your life slip, which is easily done, can give you the impression that you've lost control.

When online dating is causing anxiety, the power of dating IRL (in real life) shouldn't be underestimated, says Ryan.

The solution to my online dating woes could be as simple as taking my love life offline. For now, I'll stick it out and try not to mentally beat myself up every time I neglect the apps.

Dating is supposed to be fun, after all. Life's too short for FOMO.