【2017 Archives】

Welcome toSmall Humans017 Archives an ongoing series at Mashable that looks at how to take care of – and deal with – the kids in your life. Because Dr. Spock is nice and all, but it’s 2019 and we have the entire internet to contend with.

Youth sports are often pure chaos. I’m the head coach of two girls’ basketball teams and I’ve seen my share of wild behavior. There are coaches cursing at referees like the NBA championship is on the line, and parents who think their 5-year-old is headed for a full basketball scholarship at Stanford just because she can dribble a ball without falling down. But one thing I witnessed a couple of years ago really shocked me.

My oldest daughter was a kindergartner and her basketball team played their very first game against an all-boys team. I didn’t think anything of the matchup, but then I noticed the behavior of the players. The boys on the other team laughed, pointed, and said, “HA! We’re playing girls! This is going to be easy!” These were 5-year-old kids talking smack, so I didn’t give it too much attention, but I did think to myself: They must’ve learned somewhere that they are superior to girls.

When the game started, my team was on fire. We don’t officially keep score for kindergarteners, but everyone keeps score in their heads — and we held an early lead. That’s when I heard someone yell: “You’re losing to a bunch of girls! What’s wrong with you? Man up!”

Was it said by the coach or some rowdy dad? Nope. It was a momof one of the boys on the opposing team. A woman believed that her son’s team should be winning solely because they’re boys. It’s one thing to know abstractly that misogyny affects everyone. It’s quite another to hear a woman berate her young son for “losing” a non-scored basketball game because his opponents are girls.

We ended up “losing” that game, and in hindsight I believe it shook my girls to hear a grown-ass woman say that they were less-than because of their gender. From that point on, I knew my responsibilities as a coach would go beyond simply teaching the girls how to dribble and shoot a basketball. I needed to take an active role in helping dismantle the sexist assumptions I saw on the court that day, the same way I do in other areas of my life. Not just because they were detrimental to the girls I coached, but also because they’re toxic to the boys we were playing against.

Breaking down these assumptions about how boys especially should act – often referred to as “toxic masculinity” – should be a priority for every parent. I’m not going to pretend I have all of the answers, but I believe there are three main ideas needed to dismantle this dynamic.

1. Call out toxic masculinity when you see it.

The mom at the basketball game is part of the problem when it comes to toxic masculinity. As a matter of fact, I was part of the problem that day too, because I didn’t address her behavior when I saw it. I failed to speak out against her harmful words. As Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” Sometimes we have to risk offending people to make the world a better place — because the woman at that basketball game didn’t give a damn about offending me or my players.

2. There’s no such thing as "boy things" and "girl things."

As long as they aren’t hurting anyone in the process, there’s nothing inherently wrong with children embracing their authentic selves. My daughters could name every member of The Avengers faster than they could name all of the Disney princesses. Today they are athletic, dress-wearing, video-game-playing, superhero-loving girls who enjoy getting the occasional mani-pedis. In a similar vein, a dad friend of mine defended his son Sam for painting his nails. I know for sure is Sam is going to grow up to be a well-rounded young man instead of a one who believes harmful stereotypes about how boys and men should behave. If a boy wants to wear a tutu, let him. If a girl wants to roll around in the mud with a football, let her.

3. Address problematic behavior early when you see it in your children.

When our sons attempt to solve problems with their fists and parents write it off as “boys being boys”, or when we tell our daughters, “oh, that boy is only being mean because he likes you”, that should be a big red flag. What seems like normal “boy behavior” can be damaging if we don’t teach our sons and daughters about respect and boundariesearly on.

No matter where you stand as a parent, toxic masculinity needs to be addressed and destroyed. And if you happen to come across a parent at a youth sports game spouting sexist nonsense, just send them this article.

Read more great stories from Small Humans:

• 5 children's books that celebrate the spirit of Black History Month

• Screen time can affect kids, but the data is hard to measure. Here's why.

• How to give kids good body image in the age of Snapchat