【knife eroticism】

The knife eroticismdog days of summer are officially upon us, and with them a specific, heat-induced desperation.

Scenario: a few days ago, I decided it would be fun to walk to the park. I wore a nice floral sundress festooned with flowers -- lovely, right? Wrong. The dress was lined, and as the temperature crept above 90, those sticky sleeves and two (two!) layers of skirt fabric slowly adhered to my extremely sweaty flesh. And I was filled to the brim with hot, unmistakable regret.

Why didn't I wear shorts and a tank?I thought. Why didn't I wear a hat?And, most importantly: Why didn't I bring my deeply ugly personal fan?

SEE ALSO: Watermelons are the trendy Instagram accessory of summer 2017 Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

Many of the things that keep us the most comfortable on scorching days -- breathable shorts, spray bottles, bucket hats, sun hats, baseball hats, all hats -- look extremely corny. Face it: unless you are a Hadid or a model on a vintage Instagram page, you look tourist-y in a visor. It's unavoidable!

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But here's my advice: if your body is uncomfortable, give up. Wear the visor. Get one of those wild misting fans on Amazon. If you sweat like crazy in lined summer dresses or thick cold-shoulder tops, don't wear them unless it's nighttime. If your office has a dress code, wear the most breathable fabrics you can access. Get a huge, ugly water bottle, fill it with ice, and carry it around everywhere, even if the last one left at the store/the only one you can afford is covered in Minions. Fan yourself on the subway.

If your body is uncomfortable, give up.

And if you must, you can always make a littleeffort to be luxurious. Get your misting fan in a pleasing shade of millennial pink. Spray rosewater on your face instead of regular. (Still keep it in the fridge, though, oh my god.) If you're wearing a breezy shirt, take a risk and wear a lined skirt. Maybe it'll be fine!

But don't do it at the expense of staying comfortable -- 15 minutes into your own hell-walk in the park, you'll reach your breaking point, and you'll wish you wore your despicable linen mom pants instead. (I think these are cool, for the record, but my loved ones do not seem to agree.)

Oh, and always remember to bring a sweater for the office.

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