【Watch Sweet Alibis Online】

Back in May,Watch Sweet Alibis Online I wrote a long and waffling account of my tragic attempt to befriend Jake Gyllenhaal at the Cannes film festival.

I'm not sure it was exactly what my editors had in mind when they sent me to cover the world's most prestigious cinematic event, but -- presumably motivated by large amounts of pity -- they somehow allowed me to publish it and keep my job.

SEE ALSO: Jake Gyllenhaal and Jeff Bauman rib each other in hilarious interview

Now I may be a woefully tragic excuse for a human adult, but I'm nothing if not persistent. No, I hadn't made friends with Jake Gyllenhaal. I hadn't even spoken to him. But somehow I knew it wasn't the end.

And when I heard a rumour the man himself might be appearing at the London Film Festival in October to promote his new movie Stronger, I sensed another opportunity to embarrass myself could be just around the corner.

I wasn't wrong. The only difference was it came earlier than I was expecting.

Enter Jeff Bauman: the man behind the book Stronger, upon which the movie is based. And he's an ACTUAL REAL LIFE FRIENDof Jake Gyllenhaal's.

Look, here's a photo of them casually hanging out together which definitely doesn't fill me with a deep-rooted sense of jealousy or anything:

Credit: KAMIL KRZACZYNSKI/EPA/REX/Shutterstock

Anyway, I recently got the opportunity to chat with Jeff over the phone, and I knew it was something that couldn't be passed up. If there was one person who might be able to give me the sort of valuable intel I'd need to become BFFs with the world's greatest actor/beard-grower, it was Jeff.

Here's a transcript of how our conversation went (Jeff, if you're reading this, I can only apologise again for how ridiculous all my questions were).

Me: What advice would you give someone hoping to become friends with Jake Gyllenhaal?

Jeff Bauman:What kind of advice... man I don't know... sorry, let me think about this... he's just a really cool guy, well-rounded, he knows a lot about everything. So to become friends with Jake you'd probably have to impress him a little bit, I guess. And you have to be really funny.

Me: Would you say he's an easy person to make friends with?

JB:Yeah, yeah, he's just a really genuinely nice guy.

Me: Describe Jake in three words.

JB:Handsome, loving, and hard-working.

Me: What's his favourite TV show?

JB:Rescue 911.

Me: Do you know what his favourite film is?

JB:Inside Out.

Me: What would you say the fastest way to Jake's heart is?

JB:You gotta be real. You have to be honest.

Me: What's his favourite animal?

JB:A dog.

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

Me: Do you know his favourite band?

JB:Yeah, he likes Iron & Wine.

Me: What 3 things would you say annoy him most?

JB:Asking him to read lines from his previous movies; interviews; and pictures.

Me: Like people taking pictures of him?

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JB:Yeah, photographs, yep.

Me: So if I meet him it would be a bad idea to ask him for a selfie, for instance?

JB:Yeah, don't do that.

Me: What's his favourite food?

JB:He likes anything healthy. He's a real health nut.

Me: So like salads, that kind of thing?

JB:Yes, exactly. I don't know if that's his favourite, but--

Me: What about favourite drink?

JB:He likes coffee.

Me: How does he take his coffee?

JB:He likes Americano, so black--

Me [Excitedly]: I like Americano too! So that's a good start, right?

JB [Calmly ignoring my outburst]:He likes his coffee black, I've seen him drink a latte, but mainly he likes his coffee black.

Me: Is he a morning person or a night owl?

JB:Definitely a morning person.

Me: What's his favourite type of candy?

JB:His favourite candy is either Skittles or Peanut M&Ms.

Introducing my new favourite candy. Sorry, chocolate buttons, but you've had your time. Credit: Getty Images

Me: What would you say his three favourite topics of conversation are?

JB:Film, music, and probably basketball.

Me: How does he most like to relax and unwind?

JB:He works out. That's, like, his main thing that he likes to do. Work out with his trainer.

Me: What app would you be most likely to find hIm using on his phone to kill time?

JB:Tinder. [Laughing] I'm just kidding! No, yeah, I'd say Tinder.

Me: Does he have a favourite author or book?

JB:Yes: Man's Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl.

Me: Describe his sense of humour in one word.

JB:He doesn't have any.

Me: What's the one thing you'd say Jake loves above all other things?

JB:Himself.

[Laughter]

I'm joking... Humility! I'll say humility. That's the one thing he really loves, humility.

Me: Lastly, based on this interview so far, on a scale of 1 to 10 how would you rate my chances of becoming friends with him if I do manage to bump into him at the London Film Festival?

JB:Probably a good, hard 4.

Me: I'll take that. Do you think you guys will stay in touch after all the publicity for the film's died down?

JB: Yeah, unfortunately.

So there you have it. And in case you think I'm the kind of guy who's so dangerously obsessed he'd make up an entire conversation, he's actual proof it took place (apologies in advance for my unhinged, cackling laugh):

Coming out of the talk with Jeff, I was feeling surprisingly optimistic. Admittedly I've yet to read Man's Search for Meaningand I've never listened to a single song by Iron & Wine, but on the plus side my family doesown two dogs. So there's that.

The only bit that's mildly concerning is Jeff's answer to my first question. That whole thing about "impressing him". In person I'm fairly underwhelming, if anything, so I know I'll have to make a special effort if I do bump into him and swallow the no-doubt crippling nerves that will be eating me up from the inside.

Got to look on the bright side, though. I'm now closer to being best friends with Jake than ever before. If shut my eyes I can almost imagine his plush beard stretching wide as he smiles at me in greeting, and the tiny glint of recognition in his sparkling blue eyes as I raise up my proud offering: a black Americano and a freshly purchased bag of Peanut M&Ms.

To be continued...

Stronger is out in cinemas on 22 September in the US, and December in the UK.

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