【2019 Archives】

Taylor Swift released "Gorgeous019 Archives" her new single from Reputation, on Friday. As you might expect, the song is all about someone who is gorgeous -- and most people are thinking that's Joe Alwyn, Swift's current boyfriend and a pleasant-looking British man.

Respectfully, these people are all wrong. As a close reading of the lyrics will show you, "Gorgeous" is about one thing and one thing only: a cute dog Taylor Swift recently saw outside the club.

SEE ALSO: This one lyric from 'Gorgeous' is proof that the old Taylor Swift is not dead

Let's begin.

Verse #1

You should take it as a complimentThat I got drunk and made fun of the way you talk

Here, Taylor Swift walks out of the club -- a little tipsy, a little bored of her older boyfriend Tom Hiddleston -- and sees a good and cute dog on the sidewalk. Perhaps it is walking beside its owner, or perhaps it is waiting outside the Walgreens at Sunset and Vine (which is kind of close to some clubs? Taylor might have a logistical issue here) while its owner gets some chips.

The dog has a funny bark. Maybe it's a little gravelly or a little shrill, or maybe the dog has one of those barks that sounds like a car alarm. Taylor Swift thinks this is endearing and laughs, but she doesn't want the dog to feel bad about it or anything.

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

You should think about the consequenceOf your magnetic field being a little too strong

Here, Taylor Swift realizes she wants to pet the dog. Then, Taylor Swift blames the dog for being irresistible, because of course she does.

And I got a boyfriend, he's older than usHe's in the club doing I don't know whatYou're so cool it makes me hate you so much

Taylor Swift realizes hanging out with Tom Hiddleston, who does not have velvety ears and can't even fetch, is not cool or fun.

Dogs, on the other hand, love to fetch and have no problem eating food off the ground. Sounds cool andfun.

Pre-chorus #1

Whiskey on ice, Sunset and VineYou've ruined my life by not being mine

As Taylor Swift gazes longingly at the dog, she realizes that all she wants is a sweet, loyal canine of her own. But she can't have what she wants ... because she already has cats. Thus, her life is "ruined" -- her greatest desire must remain a pipe dream.

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Chorus

You're so gorgeousI can't say anything to your face'Cause look at your faceAnd I'm so furiousAt you for making me feel this wayBut what can I say?You're gorgeous

This is all pretty straightforward. Here, Taylor demonstrates a textbook case of "cute rage," which is when we feel aggression toward something we find adorable (a baby hippo, a baby human, a dog outside a Walgreens).

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Because the dog is so delightful, Taylor Swift is also dumbfounded by her own cute aggression. She might even recognize hints of guilt. Why, after all, would she feel angry at something so pure?

Thus, riddled with emotions -- desire, aggression, guilt, joy -- Taylor finds herself unable to "say anything to [the dog's] face."

Verse #2

You should take it as a complimentThat I'm talking to everyone here but you

Here, Taylor is negging the dog because she wants to steal it and dress it up for Halloween.

This is the future Taylor Swift wants. Credit: Javier Brosch/Shutterstock

And you should think about the consequenceOf you touching my hand in a darkened room

This dog knows the "paw" trick. Good paw!

But if the dog does the paw trick for Taylor Swift, she will be tempted to steal the dog, resulting in her arrest. (This is the serious "consequence" to which she refers.)

If you've got a girlfriend, I'm jealous of herBut if you're single that's honestly worse'Cause you're so gorgeous it actually hurts (Honey, it hurts)

Here, Taylor Swift feels jealous of the dog's owner, who gets to spend time with the dog all the time and not just in front of a Walgreens.

As Taylor's thoughts become darker, a scary idea enters her head: what if the dog's owner isn'tcoming back? What if this dog really is alone, abandoned, single? Taylor frets.

Honey is the name of the dog.

Pre-Chorus #2

Ocean blue eyes looking in mineI feel like I might sink and drown and die

By now, Taylor Swift is extremely emotional, perhaps spiraling -- and the dog's lovely ocean blue eyes sure aren't helping!

Yes, fine, Joe Alwyn (the alleged subject of this song) has beautiful blue eyes. But Joe Alwyn is a human man, and human men can wear colored contacts.

Dogs cannot wear colored contacts.

Fake. Credit: Steve Vas/Featureflash/SilverHub/REX/Shutterstock

Bridge / Outro

You make me so happy it turns back to sad, yeahThere's nothing I hate more than what I can't have

Here, Taylor taps into a familiar feeling for many people who love dogs. Dogs are inherently good, and thus can inspire a feeling of joy so overwhelming that it briefly veers into the opposite.

In these lines, could Taylor be afraid of her own dog-induced happiness? Could she realize that she, a cat person, cannot find Dog Joy in any other creature, including her middle-aged boyfriend and her own beloved cats, Meredith and Olivia? It's an unsettling thought, and Taylor knows it.

You are so gorgeous it makes me so madYou make me so happy it turns back to sad, yeahThere's nothing I hate more than what I can't have

Same, girl. My apartment building doesn't allow pets! But every time I pass a dog on the street, I wish it did. Why?

Because dogs are gorgeous.

Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We're people, just like you, and we're trying our best.

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